August 29, 2014 by theresiugoes
As I awkwardly settled in to my hospital bed, and Husbandsylv kissed LittleGirl and I “goodbye”, I suddenly panicked. Here I was, with this baby, just a few hours old who was staring at me, and I was meant to… What?
I buzzed and the midwife came running. “Are you ok?” She asked.
“I don’t know what to do with her” I said.
I felt ridiculous. I had just been through sixteen hours of labour, I was tired, and suddenly there was this baby I had to care for.
She picked up LittleGirl out of the bassinet and laid her next to me. “Pull down your top.” It sounds like a clinical command, but this midwife was gentle and patient. She rolled me onto my side and then brought LittleGirl closer. “She might decide she wants to try to feed again. Just see how it goes, I’ll check in on you in a little while.”
I looked at LittleGirl and she hungrily looked at me. She wasn’t hungry for food though, she was hungry for knowing me. Her eyes bore into my soul.
I opened my mouth but no words came out. What do I say to her? What will she understand?
She didn’t shift her gaze, just kept staring into my eyes.
And then I started to sing.
It surprised me, that my first words to my LittleGirl were sung, in Arabic. I know that music is in my heart, I sing often much to the annoyance of my family, but I had never acknowledged Arabic as my heart language. My command of the language is poor, and unless I’m talking to Dad, it doesn’t get used.
I sang maybe 2 or 3 songs, and then LittleGirl began to drop her gaze. She found my nipples, and began to suckle. After a few moments, she pulled herself of, looked me deep in the eyes as if to say “thanks”, and then closed her eyes to sleep.
At some point, I also drifted off to sleep. The midwife came in and tapped me on my shoulder. “Did she eat?” I nodded, sleepily.
“You two look so peaceful there, but I can’t leave her in the bed with you while you’re sleeping. Can I move her into the bassinet?”
I nodded again.
Before she left the room, she elevated my bed and draped my hand over the bassinet. “This way you can still feel her”. We held hands all night long.